- I'll admit it, guys. We suck at chicks.
- Yeah, man, 24 weeks since we've kissed girls,
besides our moms.
- Okay, I was gonna say.
- We got to do something this weekend,
or else I'm gonna donate my dick to science.
- What we should do, really,
is we should be like those dudes on YouTube
that, like, see hot chicks,
and then they just go up to them and just freaking scope
'em out and say, "You're hot." Smooch 'em.
- Love those guys. - Surprise smooch.
You know, they're caught off guard,
but they like it because it was an aggressive kiss,
but it was done in a tasteful fashion.
- Aggressive kissing, like Harrison Ford-style.
- So you go that route. I think I'm gonna class it up,
probably get into wine, so that hopefully, I can dine,
and--fingers crossed--69. - Good angle, Ders.
- Come here. You want some sandwich?
I bet you're used to eating garbage all day. Come here.
- Oh, God, Jillian's dumpster-talking again.
- Okay. - Jillian, hey!
Step away from the dumpster,
and let's go on inside and talk to real people, okay?
- No, no, no, there's a little kitty cat in here.
- You're talking to dumpsters.
It's no big whoop, right?
We're all a little crazy.
- No, I'm not crazy. There's a cat in there.
Oh, come on. - Come on.
- I scared her. - Just get down.
- She's in there. Come here, kitty!
- Sad. - Nothing's there.
- I'll help. - Sure, yeah.
- Come here! - Jillian, stop.
- Come here, little one. - It's wet. It's wet trash.
- Oh, gross. - It doesn't smell great.
- Oh, there you are! See?
I told you I wasn't crazy. [laughs]
[cat growls] - Ow, ow, ow!
["Jockbox" by The Skinny Boys]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You gotta, we gotta, you gotta ♪
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Ohh. - Right?
- It is a cute little baby kitty cat, isn't it?
- She's special.
I mean, she's a little dirty,
so you can't really see her pussy,
but we'll take care of that, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, on that note,
I'm gonna walk away and avoid any kind
of responsibility for that bootleg-ass Heathcliff. Bye.
- He should've said, uh, Garfield.
- [chuckles] Why?
- Well, 'cause he's also a cat. - Sure.
- So I should've left when Ders left, actually, so...
- Yeah, probably. - Yeah, yeah.
- See ya.
Ahh.
[in British accent] What should we name you?
- [in British accent] What should we name you?
[normal voice] How about Dumpster?
- Ooh, what about Bonnie?
My aunt had a large-chested friend named Bonnie,
who I was always very fond of.
- Classic. - Yes.
- What about Chastity?
Nah, this cat [bleep]. - Yes.
Well, my brain is fried,
and I'm starving.
- Me too.
I could go for some...
both: Denny's.
[cat meows]
Denny's?
- Denny's, that's what we'll call you.
- Hi, Denny's.
- Our little cat, Denny's.
- Oh, dude, check it out.
- Meth. Okay, we're doing it.
- No. - I'm actually kind of excited.
I've always wanted to--to have a taste.
But I don't want to lose me to it.
- What? No, dude, this is wine--wine aerator, right?
But, like, I put like seven of them in the whole thing, so,
like, basically, it gets super aerated.
That way, the classy chicks we bring back here to drink it,
they'll be drippin' for a sippin'.
- They're probably gonna be warmed up from my aggressive
surprise kisses. - Exactly.
- Right? - Hey, guys.
You got it? - Uh-oh.
Hey, ho, cat in the dog house.
Check it out. Yeah. - Wow.
- What's that big, dumb, stupid thing?
- Mommy made a-- made a cat tower.
- Yeah, and we've decided that this is officially
Denny's home, so you'll be seeing a lot more of me.
Where are the keys?
- I don't know how to feel about that.
But beer for my buddy.
- Oh, thanks, dude. - Hit that there.
- Pipe it up with my amigos.
- Oh, wow, does Daddy think it's a good idea
to smoke in front of Denny's?
- Uh, yeah, actually, you know what?
I'm good off that. - For real?
- Yeah, I'm gonna pass on grass tonight.
- We are gonna go out though, right?
- Right? - Right.
You don't care, right?
- Oh, me?
No, go have fun with Unkie Adam and Unkie Ders.
- Unkie Adam, Unkie Ders. I like that.
- Yeah, all right! - All right!
- Bye-bye, cat. Meow!
- I need this. - Meow!
Bye.
- Bye, cat!
- All right, bye, sweetie.
Okay, sweet dreams.
You have fun with Mommy, all right?
- Be good. - Hey.
[mouths silently]
- Oh, let's do this.
Pardon me. - Oh, and excuse me.
- Hello, bartender,
I would like a glass of your smoothest red wine.
- How about a Cab'?
- Uh, I just got here in my own car,
so I'll pass on the taxi and take that red wine, thanks.
You believe this prick? Crazy, right?
- Yeah.
- What's up? - No.
- I find you attractive.
I do, and that's just a fact.
Do you find me attractive?
- Nope.
- Surprise kiss.
Ow! I think you broke my nose.
- Okay.
- But I think, uh, if you guys tasted a little wine,
you might be--okay, all right.
Dude, any luck?
- No, zero.
- Yeah, they're definitely not a classy crowd.
- Look at this.
Oh, my, that dirty dog. - What?
- Then I pull out her little can of cat food,
and she makes this face at me.
Aah! [laughs]
[women whimper] Yeah, I know.
And I'm like, "Did I rescue her,
or did she rescue me?" You know?
- Aw, yeah. - That's so philosophical.
- She has the sweetest little face.
- Doesn't she? - That goofy tongue
isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Watch out.
I'm about to aggressively kiss a girl by surprise.
- Wait, no, no, hang on, hang on.
- I'm in love, yeah. - That's adorable.
- Hey, well, if you guys want to meet that darn cat,
why don't you just come back to our place?
We're his roommates. - Really?
- Uh...yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heck, yeah. Sure, we could--
we could probably wake her up and say hi.
Sure, yeah, we could wake her up,
say hi, right now. - Very cool.
- Welcome to my house.
- Hey, look at the time. It's already wine:30.
[laughter] - Wine:30.
- You guys are just, I'd say, about eight minutes away
from drinking the smoothest 2014 Brosé Mangria you ever had.
Here we go. - Oh, look at it go!
- Right? - Where's that cat?
I'm not dying to meet it or anything.
- Can we wake her up? - Um...
- It's a miracle you haven't already.
- Jillian. Hey, Mommy.
- Don't you "Hey, Mommy" me, Daddy,
barging in here with these whores
like the beginning of some crude stag film,
just ten feet away from where your cat sleeps!
- Okay. - Oh, hey, hey!
We heard all about Denny's and we just wanted to meet her.
- [mocking accent] Oh, did you? - Yeah.
- [mocking accent] Did you hear about Denny's?
[normal voice] Do you have any cats? No.
- I-- - No, I didn't think so.
Because if you did, you wouldn't be dressed like sluts
and following home strange men to pound Mangria.
Blake, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment?
- Mm-hmm, yup. - We're not strange.
- Yeah, we're very non-strange.
- By the way, we are just minutes away
from the Mangria, ladies.
- Yeah, so, you know, we didn't wake her up.
And I didn't think it was that--
- Yeah, that's right, Blake, you didn't think.
Denny's was left for dead in a dumpster,
and you didn't think that maybe you shouldn't
abandon her on the first night of being her daddy?
- Hey, I mean, I just figured, you know,
you're such a good mommy--
- Don't you patronize me!
- Okay, how would I patronize you
when I don't even know what that means?
Okay? [stammers]
What do you want from me?
- I want you to be a good daddy,
not some whore-mongering night owl!
- Hey! All right, at least those...
[softly] whores... aren't crazy!
- Oh! Oh, that's right!
Because I am crazy, right? - Oh, yeah!
- Okay, yeah, 'cause I'm crazy.
You know what? - Yeah, oh, what you gonna do?
- I'll show you crazy! - Oh, yeah!
- Denny's needs her dad! - No, no, no!
Throw 'em all over the place, Jillian!
- Denny's needs her dad! - You fricking psycho!
Don't you throw the nice plastic plates!
- Denny's! Because she needs one!
- There's one from Anders's birthday! Okay?
- Ohh! - No, let me help ya!
Let me help ya! - You want to help me?
That's fine!
- Just throw 'em all over the place,
'cause I work at a goddamned dead-end job!
I got the shortest straw, didn't I, when I got you?
You're throwing plates!
[cat meows] - She's awake now. Denny's!
- Oh, come on! - Denny's!
- Oh, come on!
- Uh, we should go.
- Wait, no, no, guys, just,
like, five more minutes on the wine.
- Surprise kiss! - Aah!
You--God! - Oh, [bleep].
- All right, see ya at the bar, maybe, next time.
- Too aggressive?
- I don't think so.
- That's my point. You're never here.
- Oh, come on!
I have one cat,
and now I can't leave the fricking house?
You wanna know how many dinners I had with my pops?
Nada, zero, zilch, nothing, okay?
And I didn't turn out to be a--any, uh, degenerate.
- Keep telling yourself that, Blake.
Say good-bye to Daddy.
- Fine, go!
I don't care, actually, at all!
[voice breaking] Oh, God.
Oh, great, great.
- You know what? Forget about that cat, okay?
- No, actually, don't forget about it,
because you are its daddy and it is a little baby.
So go fricking save your baby, Blake.
Go. - Mm-hmm, okay.
- Go save the baby. - All right, yeah. Hell, yeah.
- What are you doing? This cat is problems.
It's trouble. - What is wrong with you?
You almost blew it.
The only reason that we had those chicks over at our house
was that cat 'cause chicks love animals.
They love animals even more than they love
surprise kisses. - Mm-hmm.
- So this is the angle, right?
- Yeah, okay.
- So last night, I was drunk.
I said some things.
It was stupid. I didn't mean it, all right?
- I don't hate you, Blake. - Okay.
- And I don't want Denny's to hate you,
which is why I think we should do a joint custody.
I get her on the weekdays. You get the weekends.
- Yes. - Great.
- Um, but actually, it's Friday,
so that's kind of, like, technically,
the start of the weekend.
- I didn't think about that. - Yeah.
- Here's her stuff.
These are her toys. - Yeah.
- And this is her catnip. - I know.
- Carry it around at all times. - Yeah.
- Oh, and she only eats off of a frisbee.
It's the craziest thing. - Yeah, I know!
Okay, I-I know. I know she eats off a frisbee, yes.
I know my--
- Everything okay here? - Yeah.
- Everything's cool, Bill. Thanks.
Yeah, she's with Daddy now,
and I know how to take care of her.
- Bye, Daddy.
Ow! Gosh, you got a nerve.
No, go harder.
Work it out, betch.
♪ ♪
- Welcome to our house. Come on inside.
- Hey. Wine is inside.
Okay, this party is popping. What's going on?
- Yeah, it's kind of crazy.
Way more people than I was expecting.
- I don't know. both: Hey.
- Where's the free cocaine from the flyer?
- Wow, weird. "Free cocaine"? It does say that.
That is weird. I've never seen this before.
I don't know anything about that.
But I do know that there's about to be a falcon debut
happening in a few. - That is true.
- I'm a falconer, so that's exciting.
- Hmm, I'm sorry to be a wet blanket here.
Uh, I don't know if this is the best environment
to be raising a cat.
- Denny's is a chick magnet, just like my falcon
is about to be a chick magnet.
Ders, you better get a bunny wabbit or something,
or you're gonna be sniffing on butt steaks.
- I wouldn't worry about me, guys.
I think I'm gonna have some dumb girl
wrapped around my pinky in no time.
- Ooh-hoo. - Because,
while you guys are fighting over some animal-lover girls,
I'm gonna track down me a little animal hater.
[cat meows] - That's right.
I'm calling it "counter ho-gramming."
- That is hella good angle,
and I want to congratulate you
and wish you the best of luck, in all seriousness.
- Thank you. Boom and hello. - Mwah.
- Mwah-ah-uh-uh.
- You know, I don't like that we still do that.
- Yeah, we don't have to do that.
- Yeah, we don't have to.
- Whoa, nice shot, sista.
Hey, what do you guys say we liven this game up,
drop in a real, live gerbil, kill it?
Right? Spinnies! [chuckles]
No? Okay.
Well, be sure and try the Mangria.
It's pretty tasty.
- Hey, that wasn't such a bad idea.
The gerbil. - Oh. Oh!
Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks.
That was--you thought it was pretty funny?
- I thought it was hilarious.
I love terrorizing animals. - Ooh.
- Do you want to come back to my place?
I've got a couple of tied-down raccoons
that we can bash in with hammers...
unless you're a knife guy. - Uh...
- Oh, you're a knife guy. I knew it.
Oh, just do me already. - I want to.
- Hear ye, hear ye, animal lovers!
Prepare yourself for the debut of my pet falcon!
Okay, cool, you're listening.
I love animals.
They mean so much to me.
So I would like to introduce to all of you my beloved...
Beth!
Real falcon. I just--I Amazon Primed her.
Turns out you can get-- get animals on there.
For Beth's first trick, she shall fly through the kitchen,
back to me, her master,
Adam "the Animal Lover" DeMamp.
- Fly, Beth! Fly! [falcon screeches]
- Oh! Okay. [crowd gasps]
So now she's--she'll be fine. She's gonna come back.
Did she poop on you?
Uh, that--that's okay.
I trained her to do such.
Beth?
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
- Den--Denny's?
- That's really cool. That's awesome.
- I went to Tanzania last summer.
- Oh, wow. - And I shot a rhino,
and I sawed its horn off.
God, it was so hot.
- Yeah.
- I still have the horn.
I'd love to peg you with it. - Oh...
- But first I wanna kill something
and get really hot, you know?
- Yeah, oh, of course I know.
One time, I spit on this pigeon's face,
and then I got a little boner--
big boner--pretty big boner.
- Ooh, I know.
Let's kill your friend's cat.
- Oh, Denny's? Oh--I--whoa.
- I'll go get you a knife, Knife Guy.
And you just get ready to give me that lap dagger.
- Ooh! - I'm talking about your dick.
- Yeah, I know. I know. You grabbed it.
- Excuse me, I have a baby coming through.
Excuse me.
Okay, just put you right to bed.
Oh, you had me worried sick.
This party's a little too crazy, huh?
Oh, no, no, no, no weed.
Here you go, here.
Yeah, have your catnip, okay?
Daddy's gonna go party, all right?
He's gonna go get twisted!
Okay, oh, my gosh, I am ready to party.
- Serve my man up with some of that indo, my dude.
- Oh, I need it.
I'm stressing. - I thought I was your man?
- No, you're my dude. Blake's my man.
- [coughs]
Dude. - Sticky, right?
- What the hell is this, man?
It tastes like Swamp Thing's dingleberries.
- Really? I kind of like it.
Whatever, it was free. It was just sitting there, so...
- Huh? No!
- Finders keepers, losers weepers.
- Adam, this is, um... this is catnip.
- That's like the weed name? Like a--
- No, I think it's actual catnip.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
No! No!
- [gasps] [cat groans]
[screams]
♪ ♪
- Where are they? - They're right there.
- Where are they?
- And it's not all Blake's fault, by the way.
- Wait, are you boinking Bill?
- Grow up. [whispers] Yes.
- She's alive, barely.
Everybody, please back up.
I said get back, get back, get back, get back, get back!
Go! Go! Butts to the wall!
Dear Lord, bless these fingers once more.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
[cat retches] - Whoa!
- Whoa. - Ew!
- There's my girl. - Dude.
- There she is. Old-fashioned stomach pump.
- You're nasty. - [laughs]
Oh, thank God, Denny's, you're all right.
- You get back, Blake! - Whoa!
- [sniffs]
Are you high right now?
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're smelling catnip. I smoked, uh, catnip.
I can't feel nothing.
- That cannot be true.
I'm smoking it right now, and I am...
[imitates rocket lift-off]
- And this asshole hates animals.
- [Ders on recording] One time, I spit on this pigeon's face,
and then I got a little boner.
[all gasp] - No, I didn't! I didn't!
It was a big boner. I don't have a little boner.
So that's how you know it didn't happen.
- Did your "counter ho-gramming" go as planned,
you chauvinist pig?
Asshole!
This party sucks. - So you were never--
- This is who you surround my kitty with?
Nip-smokers and a pigeon-[bleep]?
- Did you [bleep] a pigeon?
- You will never see her again, Blake.
Say good-bye to Daddy.
- Oh, wait. Hold up.
- Bill, warm up the car.
- What else you want me to warm up?
We talk like that now. - Come on, wait.
- Nice, dude. - Hold up. Ders, what?
- No, I didn't--why-- no, I spit.
- Jillian! Hey, hey, no, no, no, no.
You can't do this.
Like, legally, you can't do that.
- Oh, really? You want me to call the cops, Blake?
Is that what you want? - No, what--we don't snitch.
- Look, Blake, you're a good guy,
but you're a [bleep] daddy.
[cat meows softly] - I know, honey.
Come on, Bill.
- Hey, man, forget her. Forget the cat, right?
Why don't we go inside, work some angles,
drink a little vino?
- Yeah!
Whoo! Cat's gone!
[intense techno music]
Let's get loose! Thanks, brother.
- Oh...
♪ ♪
- Okay, no, that's-- [belches]
That's cigarette butts.
Want some? - Nah, I'm okay.
- Your loss.
Oh, that looks like a really good year red, doesn't it?
Huh? Huh? Yeah!
- Hey, you broke my aerator. - Now we're having fun!
Come on! Turn the music up, bud!
What we got over here?
Ooh, a Merlot, vino.
Ders, you like that, huh?
Oh, big old stout.
Fancy Feast.
[somber music]
Tender Turkey Primavera.
- Hey, um, look, Blake,
we're gonna get your cat Denny's back.
- Yeah, and not because it was a total pussy magnet,
which it was. - Totally.
- But because you loved it. - Yeah.
- Daddy.
- Actually, it's kind of creepy when you say it.
- Okay, so here's the deal.
We go in, we grab Denny's, and then,
when she grows up to be, like, a lion or a tiger or a liger
or whatever she is, she'll be all yours, right?
- That's not how cats work, but yes.
He's right. - Really?
- Also, we're gonna make it
look like she just ran away, all right?
I got some paint, marshmallow paw prints.
- That's very cute. - Yeah, thank you.
- Okay, thanks, guys. I appreciate it.
Ow, you're up my butthole, dude.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay, she's sleeping. Shh.
Go get your girl, boy.
Go get her. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[falcon screeches]
- Oh, my God. No, it's Beth.
Oh, I'm so good at fricking birding.
- No. - Watch this.
- Beth, come to me. [falcon screeches]
- Blake. - No!
[bones snap] [all scream]
both: No! - Shh!
Jillian: Who's out there? both: Shh!
Jillian: What's going on? - Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go. Jillian: Hey, who's out there?
- Denny's.
["Jockbox" by The Skinny Boys]
♪ ♪
- Um, hey, uh... - Hey.
- I just want you to know that I'm a bad daddy.
- I'm also a bad mommy.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That's--that's not true at all.
- Uh-huh. It is true. - No, no, no.
- After I left your house on Friday with Denny's,
I was driving and texting.
- That's okay. - Yeah.
- I ran a stoplight, slammed on the brakes,
and Denny's flew into the windshield.
Wham! Died on impact.
- Wait, so she was dead?
Or is--she is-- she is currently dead?
That's good to know. Okay.
- But that's not all.
I laid Denny's out that night to bury in the morning.
And in the middle of the night,
I woke up to a screech.
And I'm not talking about Dustin Diamond.
Now it flew off before I got a good look at it,
but then I found paw prints outside my apartment,
and it was then that I knew.
- Paw prints. - Hmm.
- Wait, knew what? - Duh.
That a young griffin had broken into my apartment
and eaten our cat's corpse.
- Yes, a griffin. - Yeah.
- The legendary creature
that has the body of a lion and the head
and wings of a falcon. all: Yeah.
- Man, really? - I mean,
there's no other possibility.
- There's literally no other possibility.
- It couldn't--it wouldn't be, like, my pet hawk or anything.
- Shh--sure couldn't be that.
- Hey, Blake, I was hoping we could put all the bad stuff
behind us and have a burial...together.
- I'd like that...Mommy.
- Thanks...Daddy-o.
[somber music]
- Good-bye, little angel.
- I'll freaking miss you, you jerk.
♪ ♪
- Magic!
- She sure was.
[hawk screeches]
Ah, a griffin!
Go away, go away, go away!
- Nope, that's just a hawk I've never met before.
I think I'll name her Beth.
[hawk screeches] - Oh!
- Ohh... - Nice.
- Nice!